So it has been quite some time since I have written on my blog and to be honest it is because I haven't know what exactly I want to say on here. Part of me still doesn't know so I am just going to start writing and see what comes out. Sound ok?
Some of you know and some of you don't know, but I had to return home to the US. Some things happened in Nigeria and the Board of Directors decided that the expat staff had to return stateside and that I would not be returning to Nigeria for the remainder of my STINT with the ministry. Since being home I have had a lot of time to think and process so many different things and God has been so patient and faithful in taking me through this, even though it hasn't been a pretty path all the time.
To say that I am heartbroken is an understatement. I cried everyday except 3 days for 2 months straight. I am not angry or questioning God about why this happened. I am just sad and that is ok. But like I said, God is so faithful and so good. I am continually overwhelmed by his love for me. And sometimes I feel like saying that is a way that Christians try and dismiss pain and move on, but I think I am learning how to grieve and rest in God's love for me all at the same time which is a beautiful thing.
Being back has been really awkward for me and I am sure my interactions with those of you I have seen and spent time with probably have felt a little awkward too. I am sorry for that. I don't really know how to interact well with people right now. I think it gets a little bit better each day. But I do want to share some thoughts that I have had since being back and processing different things. This is not meant to offend anyone and it is still a thought process in the process of being developed. I share it simply because I want to be honest and share my ideas.
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| Me and the kids and teachers at Igmin Kibe on my last day. Group pictures never turn out very well for everyone... |
When sharing my experiences and thoughts I feel like I have to be careful with how I choose to talk about it or what details to share because of two reasons. 1. Everyone knows someone who has worked in the developing nation and so they instantly have this idea in their head of what my time was probably like and I don't think it was anything like what they are thinking but I don't know what to say to make people understand.
The second reason is more important I think. 2. The last thing I ever want to evoke is pity from someone in regards to anyone in Nigeria. Pity to me is a corrupted form of compassion. It is compassion that has been tainted by pride and ignorance. When we pity people we instantly view them only in light of what we believe we have and they need. In our minds, we instantly are their superiors, whether we intend to be or not.
That is truly the last thing the people I have grown to know and love in Nigeria need or deserve. When we pity people we only want to help them by doing things for them, by giving things to them. I believe that pity leads to blind giving, which I think does more harm than good.
Compassion on the other hand is what I believe truly enables us to help others, which looks like us all coming alongside or serving one another (by both doing the serving others and allowing others to serve us). When we give to others we decide what we think they need and then give it to them. We have all the ownership. However, when we come alongside and serve others we first enable them to go through the process of figuring out and deciding themselves what they actually need and then we support them in their own journey of meeting those needs. When we allow others to serve us and each other in some way it allows them to realize that they to have things to offer that the world needs. I think this last part is a key part of this whole complicated area of "missions" or "volunteering" that we are missing in a big way.
Too often I think we only look at people living in material poverty with pity. We decided that they live in a shack so they must not be living a good life so we should do something really nice and build them a new house. I think we have this deep desire as people to remove suffering because we realize that it is not what God originally intended for the world. In the garden of Eden there was no suffering until sin entered the world. We understand that joining God in his ministry of reconciliation means alleviating people's suffering, but I think that it is possible our perception of what suffering is and how to alleviate it is a bit skewed. I also don't have all the answers to this, but I think, in general. our outlook is not always what it should be and I pray that God opens our eyes to what it should be.
I think I want people so badly to understand this, but I realize at the same time it is a process - a process that I myself am still on and still learning so much about. And this is where I have realized that I am walking on the fence with pride and humility, and too often I free fall into the side I don't want to be on. It seems like everybody knows somebody who does work in the developing world, or has been on a mission trip to a "third world country", or whose church sends over clothes and toys to kids in Africa, Asia, "name your place that describes 'poor people'", and automatically we are experts and heros and understand all the complexities of poverty alleviation. Short and sweet. But that is not the case. When I am talking to people and they mention these things I understand that they are trying to relate and participate in the conversation we are having, but something about these types of comments always make me uncomfortable and prideful and I don't know how to respond to them. Because if I am being honest, I don't know if I think that sending clothes to Africa is the best thing. I don't know if going somewhere to do construction work for a week is the best thing. And I feel prideful about those thoughts. I don't know a lot of things, but I do question a lot of things.
I love that people want to help. I love seeing people's hearts for service and for taking care of the oppressed. I am just struggling through finding out the best way that we do that as the body of Christ. That is why these types of conversations are so hard for me, because it is not a short and sweet conversation. It is messy and it is offensive and it is humbling and it is joyful and it is challenging and it is centered around Christ because the answer to the world's suffering will always be Jesus. I just don't know what that practically looks like.
So, I want to apologize if since my being back we have interacted and you left feeling like I was being stand-offish or condescending or awkward or reserved or boring. I just don't know what I think about a lot of things and if we were going to truly enter into a conversation about my time in Nigeria it would be anything but short and sweet and sometimes I feel like that is all that people interested in having and all that I have the energy for. But I do want you to know that I care about you and I appreciate you and someday if you ask me to we can have this messy conversation and I will look forward to it.
