Crying and Wrestling

Fair Warning: I am going to be honest, I have no idea where this entry is going to end up, but just try to stick with me through it (any of you that know me know that I can have a hard time articulating my point because lots of times I don't exactly know what my point is, but in the end something always comes out, whether or not it is good is always up for debate).  I will not blame you if you quit reading now.

   I would never label myself a "crier".  However, for some reason for the last month dampness on my cheeks has been a familiar feeling.  I start crying while driving to tutoring and crying when I'm at church and even crying when my family is watching the stupid X-Factor for goodness sake!
    I don't hate crying.  In all honesty, I think crying is a truly beautiful thing.  It expresses raw emotion that transcends words. People say that a picture is worth a thousand words; well I think crying is worth a million. It can be a healing process within itself as well as a release.
     My biff is not with crying itself.  I just hate it when I am the one doing the crying with no control whatsoever about when and how it comes.  Me and crying have had a battle for many years now.  It seems like whenever I want to cry I can't, and whenever I don't want to cry is the exact moment that I feel the pressure building up at the inside corner of my eyes (like that time I cried all the way through my sharing about Nigeria in front of Red Door Church.  Giff seriously asked me if I wanted him to finish for me. Talk about embarrassing!)  I hate crying in front of other people when I am crying about myself.  It really is the worst.  Or actually the worst is when you are crying in front of someone and you honestly have no idea why you are crying.  That is what I really hate.  It probably has to do with my independent and strong nature, in other words, my pride.  It makes me feel selfish, stupid, and weak.  It makes me feel out of control.
    This realization has caused me to look at crying in a new way because I think God is using the recent and frequent streams of water flowing out of my eyes as a way of wrestling with me like he wrestled with Jacob.  Seems kinda crazy, but stick with me here for a moment.
     God's wrestling with Jacob (Gensis 32) is one of my most recent favorite stories in the Bible.  There are so many intricate details about this story that blow my mind, but I am just going to give you the short version of one aspect of the story.  The name "Jacob" means "he grasps the heel", which is a figurative way of saying "he deceives".  If you read Jacob's story (Gensis 25-32) that is his identity.  He is a deceiver.  He cheats his brother out of both his birthright and his father's blessing.  When Jacob's father is old and getting ready to give his blessing to Jacob's brother Esau, Jacob dresses up like his brother.  His father asks him who he is and he says "I am Esau, your firstborn" which is a bold-face lie. Jacob is trying to be someone he is not in order to get something that is not rightfully his.  Years later, after he has wrestled with the man all night, Jacob is at a place of ultimate weakness, but he is still striving on his own power to get something. The man says it is time for him to leave.  Jacob says he will not let him leave until he blesses him. The man asks him "What is your name?" Deja vu for Jacob  right?  This time though, after wrestling with God, Jacob is able to answer honestly.  He admits his name is Jacob, a deceiver.  It is only after Jacob is honest with himself and with God that God is able to begin working with him.  God gives Jacob a new name, "Israel", which means "he has striven with God".  Do you see the huge transformation that took place once Jacob was able to be honest.  Not only was his name changed, but his identity was changed, and the way he went about life was changed. He changed from striving through his own efforts which led him to deception, to striving WITH God.  He was able to partner with God to do God's work and fulfill his purpose all because God brought him to a place of weakness and in response to the weakness, Jacob chose honesty and surrender.
     I say that my recent crying is like God wrestling with me because it is bringing me to a place of humility.  It is challenging me to be honest with myself and God.  It has caused me to dig really deep and get to a point where I can admit to the existence a lot of crap in my heart that I have been adamant about denying for a long time (did you catch that?  I'm not even at the point where I am dealing with it yet, I am just starting to admit that it exists).  I am at a place like Jacob was when the man asked him "What is your name?"  Am I going to answer "My name is Anna, a strong, independent, self-sufficient person who can make it on her own", or am I going to answer "My name is Anna, a daughter of El Elyon, the God Most High, who needs the grace and assistance of my Creator"?  I am seeing more clearly that I want to respond in the second way because I want to strive with God.  I want to surrender my own control because, just how Jacob's striving led him to being a deceiver, being in control leads me to being someone that I don't want to be, someone that I wasn't meant to be.  It leads me to being numb, judgmental, and cynical.  It strips away the very gifts of mercy, grace, love and child-likeness that God has given me to help spread his kingdom here on Earth.  So, right now I am saying that I don't want control because I don't want to be that person because that person does not fulfill her purpose of giving glory to God.  Glorifying God is where all true joy springs up because it is the root of what we all were created to do. That is what my soul actually longs for and desires.

   That is all I have for now.  This is not at all where I was expecting to end up, nor do I think it is the actual end of this topic. If you made it this far through my ramblings I congratulate you once again like I have before in other entries.

Egg-cellent News!!!!!!

    I got an email from Mama Betty this week that brought me so much joy!  She was writing to let me know that a few eggs have appeared in the chicken coop meaning only one thing.... THE CHICKENS ARE FINALLY LAYING EGGS!!!!!!!

A picture of 39 eggs Maurice collected one morning from
the precious chickens!

   Waiting for these chicks to lay eggs has really grown my patience!  When we were told that it would take about 20 weeks for the chicks to start laying, for some reason it didn't register to me that it meant they wouldn't start laying until October!  I was ready for eggs in August.  But, the Lubangas have done such a wonderful job being faithful and taking care of those precious chicks that I can imagine they are even more excited than I am about the arrival of the eggs.
   Since the email, I have talked to Mama Betty about 3 times on the phone this week eagerly getting updates.  One day Mama Betty told me she spent the whole day taking care of the chicks - she is as excited as I am about them!  The first day the chicks laid about 6 eggs.  The picture that Maurice sent me from a fews days later has 39 eggs he collected in one morning!  It is "normal" for between 85% and 90% of your chickens to lay eggs everyday once they are in full swing.  So, hopefully in the next few weeks we will be collecting 180 eggs every day to sell!  Can you imagine???
   We have also decided that since we have an empty chicken coop now (the one we raised the baby chicks in before they were moved to the new coop) that we are going to purchase 100 broilers (which are chickens that we can raise and sell for their meat).  These chicken have a quicker turn-over and hopefully we can sell them by January-ish.  We are excited about this project too and I am hoping that some of the student teachers that are there now will also contribute to this project.
   I wanted to thank everyone who donated to the chicken project before.  I hope you are just as excited as I am that the chickens you helped purchase are now a money-making machine that will help Epico Jahns be more self-sustaining.  Mama Betty and I decided that the money collected from the project will be split between paying for food for the students at the school and paying the teachers' salaries.
   So, Asante Sana (thank you very much in kiSwahili)!  I will keep you all updated on the project as I hear more from Mama Betty!