Crying and Wrestling

Fair Warning: I am going to be honest, I have no idea where this entry is going to end up, but just try to stick with me through it (any of you that know me know that I can have a hard time articulating my point because lots of times I don't exactly know what my point is, but in the end something always comes out, whether or not it is good is always up for debate).  I will not blame you if you quit reading now.

   I would never label myself a "crier".  However, for some reason for the last month dampness on my cheeks has been a familiar feeling.  I start crying while driving to tutoring and crying when I'm at church and even crying when my family is watching the stupid X-Factor for goodness sake!
    I don't hate crying.  In all honesty, I think crying is a truly beautiful thing.  It expresses raw emotion that transcends words. People say that a picture is worth a thousand words; well I think crying is worth a million. It can be a healing process within itself as well as a release.
     My biff is not with crying itself.  I just hate it when I am the one doing the crying with no control whatsoever about when and how it comes.  Me and crying have had a battle for many years now.  It seems like whenever I want to cry I can't, and whenever I don't want to cry is the exact moment that I feel the pressure building up at the inside corner of my eyes (like that time I cried all the way through my sharing about Nigeria in front of Red Door Church.  Giff seriously asked me if I wanted him to finish for me. Talk about embarrassing!)  I hate crying in front of other people when I am crying about myself.  It really is the worst.  Or actually the worst is when you are crying in front of someone and you honestly have no idea why you are crying.  That is what I really hate.  It probably has to do with my independent and strong nature, in other words, my pride.  It makes me feel selfish, stupid, and weak.  It makes me feel out of control.
    This realization has caused me to look at crying in a new way because I think God is using the recent and frequent streams of water flowing out of my eyes as a way of wrestling with me like he wrestled with Jacob.  Seems kinda crazy, but stick with me here for a moment.
     God's wrestling with Jacob (Gensis 32) is one of my most recent favorite stories in the Bible.  There are so many intricate details about this story that blow my mind, but I am just going to give you the short version of one aspect of the story.  The name "Jacob" means "he grasps the heel", which is a figurative way of saying "he deceives".  If you read Jacob's story (Gensis 25-32) that is his identity.  He is a deceiver.  He cheats his brother out of both his birthright and his father's blessing.  When Jacob's father is old and getting ready to give his blessing to Jacob's brother Esau, Jacob dresses up like his brother.  His father asks him who he is and he says "I am Esau, your firstborn" which is a bold-face lie. Jacob is trying to be someone he is not in order to get something that is not rightfully his.  Years later, after he has wrestled with the man all night, Jacob is at a place of ultimate weakness, but he is still striving on his own power to get something. The man says it is time for him to leave.  Jacob says he will not let him leave until he blesses him. The man asks him "What is your name?" Deja vu for Jacob  right?  This time though, after wrestling with God, Jacob is able to answer honestly.  He admits his name is Jacob, a deceiver.  It is only after Jacob is honest with himself and with God that God is able to begin working with him.  God gives Jacob a new name, "Israel", which means "he has striven with God".  Do you see the huge transformation that took place once Jacob was able to be honest.  Not only was his name changed, but his identity was changed, and the way he went about life was changed. He changed from striving through his own efforts which led him to deception, to striving WITH God.  He was able to partner with God to do God's work and fulfill his purpose all because God brought him to a place of weakness and in response to the weakness, Jacob chose honesty and surrender.
     I say that my recent crying is like God wrestling with me because it is bringing me to a place of humility.  It is challenging me to be honest with myself and God.  It has caused me to dig really deep and get to a point where I can admit to the existence a lot of crap in my heart that I have been adamant about denying for a long time (did you catch that?  I'm not even at the point where I am dealing with it yet, I am just starting to admit that it exists).  I am at a place like Jacob was when the man asked him "What is your name?"  Am I going to answer "My name is Anna, a strong, independent, self-sufficient person who can make it on her own", or am I going to answer "My name is Anna, a daughter of El Elyon, the God Most High, who needs the grace and assistance of my Creator"?  I am seeing more clearly that I want to respond in the second way because I want to strive with God.  I want to surrender my own control because, just how Jacob's striving led him to being a deceiver, being in control leads me to being someone that I don't want to be, someone that I wasn't meant to be.  It leads me to being numb, judgmental, and cynical.  It strips away the very gifts of mercy, grace, love and child-likeness that God has given me to help spread his kingdom here on Earth.  So, right now I am saying that I don't want control because I don't want to be that person because that person does not fulfill her purpose of giving glory to God.  Glorifying God is where all true joy springs up because it is the root of what we all were created to do. That is what my soul actually longs for and desires.

   That is all I have for now.  This is not at all where I was expecting to end up, nor do I think it is the actual end of this topic. If you made it this far through my ramblings I congratulate you once again like I have before in other entries.

Egg-cellent News!!!!!!

    I got an email from Mama Betty this week that brought me so much joy!  She was writing to let me know that a few eggs have appeared in the chicken coop meaning only one thing.... THE CHICKENS ARE FINALLY LAYING EGGS!!!!!!!

A picture of 39 eggs Maurice collected one morning from
the precious chickens!

   Waiting for these chicks to lay eggs has really grown my patience!  When we were told that it would take about 20 weeks for the chicks to start laying, for some reason it didn't register to me that it meant they wouldn't start laying until October!  I was ready for eggs in August.  But, the Lubangas have done such a wonderful job being faithful and taking care of those precious chicks that I can imagine they are even more excited than I am about the arrival of the eggs.
   Since the email, I have talked to Mama Betty about 3 times on the phone this week eagerly getting updates.  One day Mama Betty told me she spent the whole day taking care of the chicks - she is as excited as I am about them!  The first day the chicks laid about 6 eggs.  The picture that Maurice sent me from a fews days later has 39 eggs he collected in one morning!  It is "normal" for between 85% and 90% of your chickens to lay eggs everyday once they are in full swing.  So, hopefully in the next few weeks we will be collecting 180 eggs every day to sell!  Can you imagine???
   We have also decided that since we have an empty chicken coop now (the one we raised the baby chicks in before they were moved to the new coop) that we are going to purchase 100 broilers (which are chickens that we can raise and sell for their meat).  These chicken have a quicker turn-over and hopefully we can sell them by January-ish.  We are excited about this project too and I am hoping that some of the student teachers that are there now will also contribute to this project.
   I wanted to thank everyone who donated to the chicken project before.  I hope you are just as excited as I am that the chickens you helped purchase are now a money-making machine that will help Epico Jahns be more self-sustaining.  Mama Betty and I decided that the money collected from the project will be split between paying for food for the students at the school and paying the teachers' salaries.
   So, Asante Sana (thank you very much in kiSwahili)!  I will keep you all updated on the project as I hear more from Mama Betty!

Micah

    Many of you know, but many of you may not know (to be honest I have no idea who even reads my blog anyways), a friend and inspiration of mine, Micah Magnusson, passed away almost 2 months ago. This is a prayer that I wrote following Micah’s death. To read more about Micah and the journey God took him on, you can explore his care pages site at http://www.carepages.com/carepages/MicahMag/updates.

Father,

   On Wednesday August 22, 2012 a gentle and strong brother of the faith was taken home to you.  You must be so happy to have Micah with you finally.  It must give you such joy to see your child finally fully healed and completely redeemed.  Lord, I envy the time he is getting to spend with you, but you are above time and we will all be together for eternity and I praise you for that. 

            Father, it brings tears of joy to my eyes and an overwhelming gladness fills my heart when you give me visions of Micah running, climbing, talking, laughing, and shouting.  Lord it is a sweet picture and sound my mind gets to experience and I thank you that you have given me that joy amongst the sadness.

            Lord, I think what makes me most sad is that you didn’t choose to heal Micah here on Earth.  So many of your children had this relentless hope and belief that you would do it.  Lord, every time I was around him my mind was flooded with images of him laughing and walking again.  I saw him miraculously getting up out of that dang chair and just walking across the living room, like no big deal.  I saw it with my mind, but it makes me sad that I didn’t get to see it with my eyes.

            God, I know you could have done that and you would have been so glorified, but you have also been so glorified in Micah’s death.  Your children praised you time and time again at Micah’s funeral.  You were given glory upon glory for your unfathomable love, grace, and faithfulness.  Hundreds of people got to hear the good news that there is One that can satisfy the soul.  Hundreds of people got to hear and witness your strength that held the Magnussons together.  Hundreds of people got to hear that you, Jesus, are the only reason that Micah and the Magnussons could hold on to hope for so long and with such passion and determination.

            There is a song by Gungor called “This is Not the End”.  It declares that this is not the end, that we can open our mouth wider and that we will shine brighter.  I don’t believe that Micah’s death is the end of the impact that he is going to have on your creation here on Earth.  We will open our mouths wider sharing his story, and in turn sharing your story for your beloved creation.

            Lord, I am sad that I didn’t get to see any of those visions of Micah come to be here on Earth with my physical eyes.  But God, you are pushing me to have hope that is even more relentless than before because it is a hope that I will have to hold on to all the days of my life.  It is a hope that you are faithful and your plan is to redeem and restore all of your children.  Lord please give me this relentless hope.  Thank you. I praise you.

Holding on to Truths

God loves me. God is faithful.
Always.
God is the Restorer. God is Sovereign.
God deserves all the glory.

These are Truths that I am holding on to during this season.

Back in the US (again)

    I honestly have no idea how it has been almost 2 months since I last posted! Seriously, I feel like I just got off the plane and stepped back onto US soil yesterday, when it actually was a month ago.  However, time always seems to do that to me. I am now back in the US for the summer until I move to Jos, Nigeria in September.  I think knowing that I am going back to Nigeria is helping me enjoy being home now.
    The rest of my stay in Kenya was just fantastic.  My mom and sister came to visit me on the farm!  This was so special to me that they got to meet my Kenyan family and really experience true rural Kenyan life in Kabula.  About a day and a half before they arrived I decided that class 4 should put on a play for them (you know me always doing things last minute!).  So, class 4 and I rehearsed the play a total of 2 times through.  To be honest, I had my doubts about whether or not this crazy idea of ours was going to be a success or a flop.  During the rehearsals we had quite a few difficulties with them acting (which is something that I think is pretty foreign to them). Also, they can be super shy when it comes to speaking up in front of adults, especially new adults.  So, you can see where my apprehension came in.  However, never has a teacher been prouder or her students than I was after the kids had performed for my mother and sister!  They did a great job!  They were goofy when they needed to be goofy and were organized.  It was just great!

   The play was called "The Dancing Competition" so after the play my students showed off some of their moves, which proved just as hilarious as the first time I saw them dancing during the first week I was in Kenya.  Their facial expressions are simply priceless.  After they showed us a few of their dances, Katie and I proceeded to teach them the Macarena and the Cupid Shuffle.  It was a class period full of laughter, creativity, learning, and smiles (four of my favorite things about teaching).
We did a lot of other things while my mom and sister were there.  We took a trip over to the coast to meet the child that I sponsor through Compassion International.  This was an absolutely beautiful experience for everyone involved.  Perhaps I will write another blog on it...  After that we met back up with my dad in Nairobi and went on a safari, which was another beautiful experience, just in a different way.

    The whole time we were traveling around Kenya I would call Mama Betty everyday to get a report on how the baby chicks were doing.  Even since being home I get regular emails and picture/video updates on the coop.  My heart just aches to be there and see the chicks for myself, but I know they are in good hands and the Lubangas are so committed to taking care of them.  I can't wait for the day that I get a phone call telling me they started laying eggs!
   So, that is a very short recap of the rest of my time in Kenya.  Now that I am back in Michigan I am enjoying the time that God is blessing me with to spend with my family and friends.  I have really been convicted this last week about not wasting my time.  It is a little bit ironic that whenever my schedule is so busy I am always saying that I wish I had more time to do all of these things I want to do and spend time being still before the Lord, but now that I have all of this free time I am complaining too and I have not been dedicated to spending time listening to God and studying His word.  So, I have decided this week to hold myself more accountable to how I spend my days.  Feel free to hold me accountable as well!

Da coop da coop da coop is on fire

The chicken coop project has taken off and is in it's final stages! Wow wow, every time I pass it I just start smiling and feel almost giddy with happiness! We are hoping to have the baby chicks by the end of this week, just in time for my mom and sister to be a part of it! Thanks to all of you we have raised enough money to buy 200 chicks, but we are still praying that God will provide us with enough money to cover all of the vaccines and food until they become layers and are generating an income to support themselves. So, if you are still interested in being a part of the work I am doing here and helping to support the school I am teaching at, please send me a message via Facebook or an email at annawellemeyer@mac.com. Thank you thank you a million times from me, Mama Betty, and all the students here at Epico Jahns Academy!
Below is a picture of Mama Betty and myself with her cousin Rebecca who has been advising us with the coop. Rebecca works with the ministry of agriculture and has a true passion for farming and teaching others about farming. She has been a gift from God to us!

5 million words

They say a picture is worth a million words so here are 5 millions words about what I have been up to lately.

Anyone want to buy a chicken?

I am now an official poultry farmer. The past few weeks I have learned more than I ever thought I would know about raising and caring for chickens. Let me explain...
The school I am teaching at is a private school. Some of the students at the school come from a local orphanage. Mama Betty is the director of the school and has a heart of gold. She can never turn away a student, even if they don't have money for school fees. They also feed the kids everyday a meal of beans and maize. Too often they are running out of money to cover all the expenses, including teacher's salaries sometimes. I have decided to continue the project of a teacher that was here in December and help them start a chicken coup where they can keep chickens that will lay eggs to both provide food for the students and will generate money they can use to cover some of their fees. We have been researching poultry projects and even visited the farm of a woman that works for the ministry of agriculture! We have the coop all paid for through a scholarship that I received, but now we are trying to raise money to buy the chicks. Each chick costs about $1.40 and we are hoping to buy between 100 and 200 chicks within the next two weeks.

This is where you come in. I am wondering if any of you would be interested in purchasing a chick (or multiple chicks) for the school. I am so excited about this project because it is one that can really last and will be a way that the school can become more self-reliant. In the past, the school has been primarily supported by volunteers coming from different countries. Mama Betty has sat by and supported past volunteers as they have begun similar projects with other people in the community and has never once asked someone to help her start a project for the school. She is one of the most selfless people that I have ever met. She always tells me that she is just a vessel. Whatever God blesses her with isn't meant for her, but is meant to be passed through her to someone else. Even this coop won't benefit her or her family personally, but will be used to provide for the students and people in the community. I am excited that through this project Mama Betty won't have to rely so much on donations from volunteers to support the school, but she will be able to have her own source of income to support it. I think this is true community development because it is empowering her and the school to be a sustainable organization.

So, if you are interested in supporting this project, please send me an email at annawellemeyer@mac.com or a message on Facebook. You can let me know if you want more information or if you have decided to partner with us, how many chicks you would like to buy. Also, we are hoping to raise all the money this week because I leave in just two weeks (where did the time go right??!)!!!!
Jehovah Jireh
Below are pictures of Mama Betty and the coup in the process of being built! It is now almost done!

I'm a real farmer now!

The planting.
The cool earth makes its way between my toes as I tread down the long rows. I loosen my grasp to allow the beans to gently and steadily begin their journey from my hand to the land. I swing my arm back and forth, back and forth. I travel down one long row and up the next, down and up, down and up. Get more seeds, then down and up again. Repeat.
Break for chai.
Let the plowing begin.
The teacher needs a teacher! I have found one; Jessica, who is well into her 60s, maybe even 70! I watch as she lifts the jimbe and swings it down. It cuts through the now soft soil. In one swooping motion the land is sliced and laid as a protector over the seeds.
My turn.
Over and over again I raise my jimbe and swing it down, bringing with it the soil. I tuck in the seeds so they will be comfortable until they spring into life. I praise the Lord for the overcast sky that is providing me with some relief from the heat. "Wow! Anna is strong. Wow! Very special teacher! Anna, my friend, she is good worker" I hear my friend James say. I dig and dig. I can feel a blister forming on my palm. I keep digging to the beat of Jessica singing. I dig and dig and dig. We have now reached the final row! Dig and dig and dig...
Now, I am a real Kenyan farmer (the teachers would say I can now marry a Kenyan because I know how to farm, but I think I will leave that be!)


I really love farming! My body felt good working hard knowing that what I was doing was going to produce food that will nourish my body. Kabula is a big farming community. Everybody has a shamba (farm in Kiswahili). This past weekend we had Friday and Monday off of school. When we returned today every teacher I talked to had been working in their shamba over the weekend. Below are some pictures of us farming!

Here comes the rain do do do do....

Wow, I really can't believe that I have been living here in Kabula, Kenya for a week already! Once again, time likes to play tricks on me and it feels like I have been here forever and for no time at all. But regardless of how much time I have been here, I fell in love with it the moment Joyce greeted me in Bungoma and brought me back to Kabula. She was so friendly and made me feel right at home. Then I met my family and they are beyond wonderful!!!!!
The family I stay with, the Lubangas, run a ministry called ICODEI. They have volunteers come in from all around the world to help in the areas of education, medical, and micro finance. Usually when student teachers come here there are other volunteers staying on the farm as well, but lucky lucky me I am the only volunteer on the farm right now (which I really couldn't be happier about!). Another volunteer is signed up to come in April, but they haven't confirmed for sure yet. For now I am treasuring the time I get the Lubangas all to myself :)
I am going to try and make this kind of short because I know people hate it when blogs get too long and then nobody ends up actually reading them, but rather just skimming them. So we are desperately in need of rain! They usually start planting in February but they still haven't begun because there has been no rain! We pray every night for God to open up the floodgates on Kenya and yesterday we saw Him be faithful. Even now as I am typing this I hear thunder roaring in the distance and it make me very excited and in the mood of praising God. If it continues to rain through the rest of the week, Mama Betty said we will begin planting this weekend. I am excited to learn how to farm as a Kenyan (although it is not my intent, I was informed the if I want a Kenyan husband I will need to learn how to farm.)
The school, the school, I have forgotten to write about the school. It is so different than my school I was teaching at in Bloomington, but it is really great! They are both great in different ways. The students love being at school. The structure is very different. There isn't one teacher for one class, but all the teachers teach the different classes and different subjects in the different grades. Like me, I am teaching English in class 1. (similar to 1st grade), math and creative arts in class 3, and English in class 4. It is kind of hard for the students in class 1 to understand me because they are still just learning English, but I think it is good for me as a teacher to figure out how to communicate and teach in a way that will help them grow. All the kids are wonderful and have captured my heart (despite the fact that they are still warming up to me). Relationships between students and teachers are a bit more formal than I am used to (especially being a kindergarten teacher in the states). I am adjusting and learning though and that is always a good thing.
The last thing I will talk about is the teachers- they are fantastic and hysterical. They love cracking jokes and have been so friendly to me. I always have a good laugh every day so that is definitely a positive thing. The school environment is good and they make it a very happy place for me to be. They are also very willing to teach me about Kenyan culture and ask me questions about America. These discussions are full of laughter, surprise, and learning. I feel very blessed to be able to have them.
So really I have only scratched the very surface of my time here so far. So much has happened and I have learned so much that I feel like I have been here for a life time. God is doing good things in my heart and mind as well. I am witnessing His faithfulness and goodness daily as well as continually be refined more and more into His image for the sake of His kingdom. The Lubangas have been such an encouragement to me and I could sit and talk with them for hours about God. Really it is a gift from God to have such wonderful fellowship while I am so far from where I come from. The kingdom is here and now and is all around us and I am learning that more and more each day.

Grace, Peace, and Love,
Anna

Leaving for Kenya

Off to Kenya today!  It really doesn't seem like a reality!  I have been talking about this since my junior year of high school and now it's actually here.

I'm excited to share my experience with all of you who end up reading this.  Some of you asked for my mailing address while I was there, so here it is:

Anna Wellemeyer
c/o Reuben Lubanga
ICODEI
P.O. Box 459
Bungoma , Kenya
50200
East Africa

Letters take about 2 weeks to get there.  I love mail :) but no packages because the mail system is so unreliable.

Ok love you all.  Sorry this is so short but I have some last minute cleaning and packing to do!

The end and the beginning

So, I have been meaning to write this post for some time now, but every time I sat down to do it, something just didn't seem right.  I think  now is as good of a time as any to finally write it.

While I was in Nigeria God made it very clear to me that I was to go back on a year long STINT.  I will tell that story later, but I just wanted everyone to know that I am going back in September!  Today though, I wanted to share my first journal entry I wrote back in the States.

(written on August 1, 2011)

It seems surreal to be back in Haslett sitting up in the tree overlooking the pond.  The melody of the birds here is harmonized by crickets chirping rather than cows mooing or young Fulani shepherds singing.  When I look up I expect to see a herd of cows grazing the land.  Surprisingly my backyard resembles the Nigerian bush during rainy season (minus the magnificent rocks!)...

Here are some of my thoughts from today:
TIA.  It is a phrase used int he movie Blood Diamond meaning "This is Africa."  It was commonly used during the trip when power went out, when we saw something ridiculous happening while driving, or when something went wrong.  For some reason the phrase and how it was used always rubbed me the wrong way.  It was like something was painfully churning on the inside whenever I heard it.  It leaves very little room for hope.  It was always used with a somewhat negative or "strange" connotation.  It seems to carry the meaning that Africa is a land where nothing goes right.

Then I think of us using it.  Yes, we were in Africa. We lived an African reality – but an African reality as a bature (white person, a foreigner).  Other Africans don't have kids flock to them when they enter a village.  They don't get their picture taken with a pro soccer team while mobs of people try and squeeze in with them.  They don't get invited to a dinner at the governor's house after only being in the country 5 weeks. And they don't get to stroll through security while everyone else gets asked for their passport. It somewhat frustrates me that yes, I got to experience the reality of Africa, but I only got to experience it as a person with white skin from America.

Yet I am still so appreciative of the Nigerian reality I got to experience and live in.  I now have friends who live in mud-block homes with a mattress on the floor that is filled at night with an entire family.  I know children whose parents keep them home from school to farm.  I know children who walk an hour just to go to school.  I know women who work their tails off farming and selling things at the market so they can scrape up enough money to send their children to school.  I know by name and voice children whose parents have died of AIDS.  I know an orphan who has no idea where her brother and sister are.


I also know women who sing praises to God while chopping vegetables to cook Jollof rice over the fire.  I know young men who give up their days to collect firewood and farm for widows, hang up mosquito nets for members of their community who don't have any, and coach futbol for young kids while teaching them about Jesus.  I know people who dance down the aisle to African drums while tithing.  I know widows who love to laugh and dance praising the Lord.  I know women hungry for the Word of the Lord.  I know families that have welcomed orphans into their homes when they barely have enough living space for themselves.  I know teenagers who desire to be the first ones in their families to ever finish secondary school and go on to the university.

TIA, the way I know it, is a place where yes, things may not always go as planned, and yes, there is not an abundance of material things, but it is a place where there is a dependence on God and a place full of hope.  A place full of potential to look a lot more like the kingdom of God.  That is my prayer for the phrase TIA.  That one day it won't be used when the power goes out or you see a guy slip a policeman 50 Naira as he rolls through the checkpoint.  Instead, you see a youth collecting firewood for a widow and your reaction is "Of course, TIA."  You hear of a community putting their funds together to send all the children to school – "Of course, TIA."  You see people living in peace, freedom, and the love of Christ – "Of course, TIA."