My Own Kind of Children's Home

I have been in Monterrey now for almost 2 months!  Those two months were full of groups and groups and more groups. And (surprise surprise, not really by now) tears and tears and more tears from me.  I am sorry for my long absence and more has been going on emotionally and spiritually within me than I can write in one blog post, so I am going to do a series and take you back through my transition here (which is still going on).

This is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote within my first week of being here (June 21, 2013).  My thoughts were inspired by Flor, who, at 3 years old, was dropped off at a children's home just 2 weeks before I arrived here in Monterrey.  I was sitting with her playing and all of a sudden she just broke down into tears.  She was crying out for her Mama and home.  I held her in my lap, hugged her, stroked her hair, and whispered in her ear God's promises for her for almost an hour straight.  From that experience came these thoughts:

"I am of the persuasion that God can use us wherever we are.  That we can be happy anywhere if we choose to be happy.  Our Joy comes from God and from him alone.  My mother would always tell us when we were younger that happiness is a choice.  I agree with this to an extent (and the point that she was trying to make to us.  Shout out to my wise mother!).  There are many times when people look at their situation and choose to be grumpy or negative. Instead of choosing to be positive they get sucked into self-pity.  But when we say that happiness is a choice we imply that sadness is a choice, which is something that I don't totally agree with.  I am not choosing to be sad, nor am I choosing to cry anytime I am in a conversation with someone that goes past "hola, como estas?"  And I don't think that my sadness is a bad thing.  Annoying to me, maybe.  Tiresome? Definitely. But bad? No. It's not a self-pitying kind of sadness where I can't ever allow myself to be happy.  It just a sadness that sometimes (often right now) makes my heart hurt and tears flow.  

I just don't understand why I feel such anguish that just a few minutes ago (and 2 months after leaving Nigeria) I was laying on my bed in the fetal position crying my eyes out.  And, I don't know if I should be working on that, or just letting it run its course.  But how long will it take to run its course?  How long will it be before I can talk to someone without getting red, puffy eyes and a snotty nose (which is not the best look to have when trying to make new friends let me tell you). In thinking about this, God has given me a powerful insight just now.

Sweet, little Flor at a moment where God is gracing her with a break from

the sadness. 

My current process somewhat resembles the process children who get dropped off in children's home are going through.  The Board of Directors (my "parents") decided that it was best for us if I left my home (Nigeria). They took me from the people that I love so dearly and dropped me off in a new place that feels, looks, and sounds nothing like home. I used to live in a small community and now I am just one in a sea of faces.  No matter how much the staff tries to make me feel like I am "at home", I am still missing and desperately want to go back to my real home.  Does it help when people show kindness and love toward me? Yes. Does it help when they take the time to pray with me? Most definitely. Does it erase everything that has happened or the longing for home that I still feel inside? No.  

But maybe, with time, this can feel like a safe place and a place that I can grow and live. Are there still going to be days that just like sweet, little Flor, I am going to cry and cry and scream out that I want my family and my home? Yes [and in fact today, August 9, is one of those days].  Is that ok? Yes.  Are there times that I am going to feel guarded and not want to talk to anyone so I give short replies no matter how many questions people ask me or how sweetly they ask? Yes, most certainly because I don't want to cry all the time and it is exhausting! 

God is giving me a glimpse of the feelings that these children in the homes have and the process they are going through.  We are going through this process together and it is an extremely powerful realization that I am thanking God for."

As God leads me through this transition into my own kind of children's home, He has given me this understanding of why some of the kids in our homes act the way they do.  I feel like I can better understand them because our stories are a lot more similar than they may appear from the outside. The process and transformation that God is doing in us is very similar. I am praying that God will continue to heal my heart and reconcile all parts of me to Him just like I am praying that he will do for the children in the homes we work with and all around the globe.

A change of pace

*This blog was supposed to be published a month ago, but I couldn't get the video to upload.  I decided to try one more time and it worked!
  
   So since my last blog was pretty heavy and since I didn't update my blog for my last few weeks in Nigeria, I thought I would lighten things up a bit and post a video of my students in Nigeria.  Very often I would give the kids a ride from the Ed Center to the church after lessons were done because they would have choir practice.  This is just a glimpse of how much fun those rides were for me and for them.

       Also: I am convinced that almost all Nigerians can sing and harmonize and dance well.  I think it is just in their blood.

Pride and Pity and Compassion and Apologies

Hello all!

So it has been quite some time since I have written on my blog and to be honest it is because I haven't know what exactly I want to say on here.  Part of me still doesn't know so I am just going to start writing and see what comes out. Sound ok?

Some of you know and some of you don't know, but I had to return home to the US.  Some things happened in Nigeria and the Board of Directors decided that the expat staff had to return stateside and that I would not be returning to Nigeria for the remainder of my STINT with the ministry.  Since being home I have had a lot of time to think and process so many different things and God has been so patient and faithful in taking me through this, even though it hasn't been a pretty path all the time.

To say that I am heartbroken is an understatement.  I cried everyday except 3 days for 2 months straight.  I am not angry or questioning God about why this happened.  I am just sad and that is ok.  But like I said, God is so faithful and so good.  I am continually overwhelmed by his love for me. And sometimes I feel like saying that is a way that Christians try and dismiss pain and move on, but I think I am learning how to grieve and rest in God's love for me all at the same time which is a beautiful thing.

Being back has been really awkward for me and I am sure my interactions with those of you I have seen and spent time with probably have felt a little awkward too.  I am sorry for that.  I don't really know how to interact well with people right now.  I think it gets a little bit better each day.  But I do want to share some thoughts that I have had since being back and processing different things.  This is not meant to offend anyone and it is still a thought process in the process of being developed.  I share it simply because I want to be honest and share my ideas.

Me and the kids and teachers at Igmin Kibe on my last day.
Group pictures never turn out very well for everyone...

I miss Africa a lot.  I miss the person that I feel so free to be there.  Something about the culture and place allows me to be this person that feels so alive and free. It awakens this part of me that I don't usually let out. I could be unguarded in so many ways; however, I am also realizing ways that I now have become guarded and prideful back here in the US.

When sharing my experiences  and thoughts I feel like I have to be careful with how I choose to talk about it or what details to share because of two reasons. 1. Everyone knows someone who has worked in the developing nation and so they instantly have this idea in their head of what my time was probably like and I don't think it was anything like what they are thinking but I don't know what to say to make people understand.

The second reason is more important I think. 2. The last thing I ever want to evoke is pity from someone in regards to anyone in Nigeria.  Pity to me is a corrupted form of compassion.  It is compassion that has been tainted by pride and ignorance.  When we pity people we instantly view them only in light of what we believe we have and they need.  In our minds, we instantly are their superiors, whether we intend to be or not.

That is truly the last thing the people I have grown to know and love in Nigeria need or deserve.  When we pity people we only want to help them by doing things for them, by giving things to them.  I believe that pity leads to blind giving, which I think does more harm than good.

Compassion on the other hand is what I believe truly enables us to help others, which looks like us all coming alongside or serving one another (by both doing the serving others and allowing others to serve us).  When we give to others we decide what we think they need and then give it to them.  We have all the ownership.  However, when we come alongside and serve others we first enable them to go through the process of figuring out and deciding themselves what they actually need and then we support them in their own journey of meeting those needs.  When we allow others to serve us and each other in some way it allows them to realize that they to have things to offer that the world needs. I think this last part is a key part of this whole complicated area of "missions" or "volunteering" that we are missing in a big way.

Too often I think we only look at people living in material poverty with pity.  We decided that they live in a shack so they must not be living a good life so we should do something really nice and build them a new house.  I think we have this deep desire as people to remove suffering because we realize that it is not what God originally intended for the world.  In the garden of Eden there was no suffering until sin entered the world.  We understand that joining God in his ministry of reconciliation means alleviating people's suffering, but I think that it is possible our perception of what suffering is and how to alleviate it is a bit skewed.  I also don't have all the answers to this, but I think, in general. our outlook is not always what it should be and I pray that God opens our eyes to what it should be.

I think I want people so badly to understand this, but I realize at the same time it is a process - a process that I myself am still on and still learning so much about.  And this is where I have realized that I am walking on the fence with pride and humility, and too often I free fall into the side I don't want to be on.  It seems like everybody knows somebody who does work in the developing world, or has been on a mission trip to a "third world country", or whose church sends over clothes and toys to kids in Africa, Asia, "name your place that describes 'poor people'", and automatically we are experts and heros and understand all the complexities of poverty alleviation. Short and sweet.  But that is not the case.  When I am talking to people and they mention these things I understand that they are trying to relate and participate in the conversation we are having, but something about these types of comments always make me uncomfortable and prideful and I don't know how to respond to them.  Because if I am being honest, I don't know if I think that sending clothes to Africa is the best thing.  I don't know if going somewhere to do construction work for a week is the best thing. And I feel prideful about those thoughts.  I don't know a lot of things, but I do question a lot of things.

I love that people want to help.  I love seeing people's hearts for service and for taking care of the oppressed.  I am just struggling through finding out the best way that we do that as the body of Christ. That is why these types of conversations are so hard for me, because it is not a short and sweet conversation.  It is messy and it is offensive and it is humbling and it is joyful and it is challenging and it is centered around Christ because the answer to the world's suffering will always be Jesus.  I just don't know what that practically looks like.

So, I want to apologize if since my being back we have interacted and you left feeling like I was being stand-offish or condescending or awkward or reserved or boring.  I just don't know what I think about a lot of things and if we were going to truly enter into a conversation about my time in Nigeria it would be anything but short and sweet and sometimes I feel like that is all that people interested in having and all that I have the energy for.  But I do want you to know that I care about you and I appreciate you and someday if you ask me to we can have this messy conversation and I will look forward to it.

God's Protection

I have no doubt that God has big plans for the lives of each of my students. I want to share a story with you all of something that happened a few weeks ago. At our staff meeting that morning I decided to pray for God to protect and keep all of my students and teachers that day. This is a pretty routine prayer for me and I thought fairly little of it as I was saying the words. Later that day I got a phone call from one of the teachers asking me about something and then right before we hung up he asked me if I had heard about the accident. Immediately my heart dropped. I told him I hadn’t and he proceeded to tell me the events that had happened that day.
Our children walk about 30-40 minutes from their homes to school each day. On this day our students were going home instead of coming to the Ed Center so they were walking with some of their friends. Their friends decided to ask a man for a ride home and 5 of my students also got in the car. They told the man to drop them at a certain point on the road. As the man approached that place he showed no indication that he was going to slow down, so the kids started saying, “stop here stop here!” The man’s response was, “tell me a story.” Weird response right? I still have no idea what that is suppose to mean… So, the man continues driving past where he was supposed to drop them. One of my students started getting worried the man had bad intentions so she opened the door and JUMPED out of the car! Can you imagine? The car was probably going about 40 mph and she just jumped out of it! Talk about bravery! After she jumped out, the man stopped, the other kids got out of the car, and the man just drove away – not even checking to see the condition of the girl. Later that day, there were reports on the radio that some kids in town had been abducted. I cannot say for sure that it could have been my kids that the reporter was talking about, but I am so glad that I never have to find out!
Praise the Lord that the girl who jumped out of the car didn’t even have one broken bone! She was pretty beat up. In fact, when I went to visit her the next day I hardly recognized her. She had some pretty deep wounds on her face and arms, but no concussion and not a single broken bone. After a week she was laughing and going about like normal.
Like I said before, there is no way of knowing for sure what would have happened to those children, but I am giving all the credit and glory to the Lord for protecting them that day. I am so thankful that my students have the Holy Spirit and listen to its leading. I am so thankful that we serve a God who protects and cares for us. That we have a God who hears and answers our prayers.
This is only one example of a “close call” I have had with my students. I have had others that almost got hit by a car or have fallen ill. But God continues to protect His children and that is why I have no doubt in my mind that God is going to use the lives of these children in very big ways to spread his kingdom in their community, their country and the world. I feel so honored to be a small part of their lives.

Some of the wonderful future leaders I get to work with!

Taking back the Crazy

       As I clumsily walked along the narrow, overgrown path with one student on each hand and another's arms wrapped around my waist, the power of what we were about to do all of a sudden hit me.  KYD has been struggling and struggling with their dry season farming.  They have become so discouraged, almost to the point of wanting to give up on the project.  Currently they are suffering attacks from some nasty crickets that are destroying the tomato plants. So, I decided to do the only thing that I, not being a farmer, knew how to do.  I decided to take my students to pray for the land. No big deal right? We were just going to walk down at the beginning of class, say a few prayers for the land and then continue on with our day.  It didn't seem that big of a deal to me when I first thought of the idea.  To be honest, I was thinking more about how it would be a good opportunity for my younger students to see what they can be a part of once they get older. I wasn't really thinking about the effects of our prayers.
But like I said, the excitement and craziness of what we were doing washed over me once we were actually walking to the farm. We were walking to a seemingly cursed farmland to pray that God would make that land fertile.  We didn't have any pesticides to spray or any coverings to protect the plants.  All we had were our voices and our faith in God, the Creator and Sustainer of all things.  Our faith that God can actually do the seemingly impossible and make that land produce a bountiful crop.  As I stood watching my students, ages 7-12, squat down, burry their faces in their hands, and ask God that the blood of Jesus would come and cover that land and that he would grow a great crop there, I caught a glimpse of the kingdom of God that is spreading here.  We are all growing in our trust that God can provide all that we need and that He is the One who can make a desolate land come to life. That is a beautiful picture of the kingdom of God here on Earth.
Just the other day, the KYD planted a new batch of tomato plants.  Who knows what will happen, but I know that we are having faith that God will bless that land and that the scene will be like Psalm 126, which says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."  We serve a big God who loves and promises us anything we ask in Jesus' name.  We know our God is Jehovah Jireh, the Provider, and has always been and will always be faithful to His Word.

        Part of me was feeling like I had lost some of my crazy.  That part of me that is so in tune with the Holy Spirit that I can hear it telling me to do things that seem strange, things that are in line with the Kingdom of God.  I have missed it, but I don't know if it was ever really gone, or if I was choosing not to acknowledge it.  I wasn't looking at any of my situations as something spiritual, it just became life -- mundane.  But we when ask God to give us eyes to see and ears to hear, we are opened up to a whole world that has always been there, we just choose not to see it.  There is so much more going on in the world than what we can see with our plain, physical eyes. So, in asking God to give me eyes to see, He allowed me to see going and praying for a farm in a new light, in the light of His kingdom and it is such a sweet way to see life.  I pray I will always have eyes to see the world in light of his kingdom!

Home Visit

Sometimes it is really easy for me to forget the condition of the homes that my students come from.  I forget that my students have undergone great hardships at such a young age. This sounds strange, but when they come to the Ed Center they seem so "normal".  They are eager to learn. They smile and laugh. They shout things out when they aren't suppose to. They get sad when they have to move their name down on the behavior chart. They have days when they aren't so talkative. Kids are so good at being kids sometimes that I forget that my students go home to homes where they don't get to be kids.
This past week one of our kids had typhoid so I decided to do a home visit to check up on how he was doing.  I also had some parent surveys to do so I visited a few of the other kids' homes too so I could meet their caregivers. First off, I didn't realize how far these kids have to trek every day to school and then to the ed center and then back home.  They live in a part of the village that I had never visited before and I wouldn't be surprised if it took them more than an hour to walk home from the Ed Center, which is after walking quite a distance to school and then to the Ed Center earlier in the day.  Secondly, I forget that my students play such a huge role in supporting their families. They fetch the water, collect firewood, do the cooking, help with the farming, and watch after their younger siblings. I forget that my kids are dealing with their parents' deaths or even being abandoned by a parent that is still living.  I forget that they have suffered such great loss at such a young age and continue to suffer loss as other family members they have grown close to also pass away.
I don't say all of these things to evoke pity from you, because these kids don't need your pity.  Like I said, that is just normal here. My kids have so much joy that comes from the Lord.  They are made complete in Christ, not lacking anything. But I wanted to share with you the reality of my students' lives here because unlike your pity, they can use your compassion and prayers.  They can use your prayers that they will be able to fill the loss of their earthly father and/or mother will the presence of their Heavenly Father and Creator. You can pray that God will provide for them good role models and mentors that will pour into their lives.  You can pray for their surviving parents and caregivers that they too will fill the loss in their own lives with the Lord.  The widows have lost their spouse, the grandmothers have lost their children, and the Aunties have lost a sibling. And we can use your prayers as well as we try and figure out how us teachers at Igmin Kibe can best meet all the needs of our students -- the physical, educational, emotional, social, and spiritual needs that we all have.
        Also, the child who had typhoid came to the Ed Center on Monday feeling much better with a giant smile on his face! Praise The Lord!  All the students shared that they were happy because God healed him!

Love is in the air

Why are they all standing on one leg? I have no idea but it
 makes them even more lovable! 

        I have a confession to make that sounds a little creepy, but I promise you it is not... sometimes at night I just sit at my computer and look at pictures of my students. I don't even have that many pictures, but I just love looking at them!  I sit there thinking how much I love them and my heart feels like it wants to burst at the seams with emotion.  Maybe it's because it was Valentine's Day and love is in the air, but I doubt that is the reason I feel this way.  I can't believe sometimes that God called me to this life.  What did I do to deserve this? Nothing, God just loves me that much! Wow, I am so grateful for that.
Friday is one of my favorite parts of the week.  We don't have classes on Fridays but instead we meet as teachers. I know you are thinking how can Friday be one of my favorite parts when I don't see my students and I was just gushing over them.  But what I love about Fridays is that we get a chance as teachers to talk about the week and then spend time in prayer for our students' lives in school, at the Ed Center, and at home.  We also get to spend time praying for each other and for the community.  I love the teachers that I work with just as much as I love the students (although I don't sit and look at pictures of them at night because I think that would be seriously creepy).  God has provided so well for the Ed Center by giving us Nigerian teachers that truly love The Lord and are loved by The Lord and then let that love pour into the children they teach.  I feel so blessed to have the privilege to work with the people that I do.  
One funny story from this week happened on Valentine's Day.  I got all of the kids a little chocolate for Valentine's Day and I bought each of the teachers a chocolate bar as well.  Well, it was one of the teacher's first time ever tasting chocolate and he LOVED it!  It was like he was a 4 year old tasting chocolate for the first time! His eyes lit up with delight.  I jokingly warned him to be careful not to eat the whole thing because he might get a stomach ache and his face got all serious like "Oh no are you serious?!"  It was too funny! So in the end he ate half before class and half after class, just to be safe :)

The picture below are of some of the students with their MTN (a cellular service here like Verizon) raincoats and backpacks that were donated to their school.  They are so cute in them, too bad rainy season isn't for a few months, although I give MTN credit for being ahead of the game!