when going out means you get to take a ride on Splash Mountain

TODAY IS THE DAY! Last week the woman working at the Oxxo (Mexican gas station) informed me that the hurricane was going to hit TODAY. In case you haven't heard Hurricane Ingrid (which I have affectionately named Hurricane Oxxo in honor of the lady at the Oxxo) has been making its way toward Mexico.  It is south of Monterrey, but we are definitely feeling the effects here. So we're going to take a break today from talking about the emotional roller coaster I am on and talk about the physical "roller coaster" I get to go on every time I leave my house these days.

I have never lived through a tropical storm/hurricane before (and this one isn't really even that bad) so this is another first I get to remember in my life.  For those of you who also haven't experienced this let

where our street literally turns into a river

me sum it up for you short and sweet: WATER! MUCHO WATER EVERYWHERE AND ALL THE TIME!  Yesterday I don't think it stopped raining even for 1 minute. We have our own new waterfall here at Back2Back named Cascada de Oxxito. Streets have literally turned into rivers (see picture).  All schools were cancelled today in Monterrey. Today I had to run out to do some errands and I realized I was living in a real-life Splash Mountain (Monterrey is located in the Mountains and you can't drive anywhere without creating huge splashes hence my real life splash mountain!) It Is AWESOME!  The best part is to get to where we live you have to go down this little hill and at the bottom there is currently a river flowing through so it literally is our own miniature Splash Mountain! Skip the outrageous Disney prices and come visit me in Monterrey (offer available for a limited time only, well not the visiting part, just the Splash Mountain part)  I have included a marketing video to entice as well :)

the splash

when the man at 7/11 decides that you really need your windows
wash because the torrential downpour outside simply isn't doing
the job... and then you tip him extra of course!

My Own Kind of Children's Home Part 2

So, I suck at keeping my blog updated.  My last entry (which I posted about a month ago) started this “mini-series” if you will, about my transition here in Monterrey and how it is helping me better understand the people and the children that God has placed around me, as well as understanding myself better. I am continuing that series now:

Excerpt from my journal on June 26, 2013 (11 days after arriving in Monterrey)

           

I am a complete mess and I feel alone.  I need Jesus. I need his presence and I need his perspective. I need to know when I am being selfish, stubborn, and prideful in my thinking and my actions. I need to know that he is with me.

 I feel alone in my brokenness and what’s worse is I know it is my fault.  I have been waiting around for staff to reach out to me and recognize my pain and my needs and I have spent basically zero time in God’s Word, presence, or in prayer.  I used to be so content with just God.  What happened?  I'll tell you what happened...  I stopped living from the perspective of the kingdom in many ways and I stopped guarding my time with the Lord.  I stopped seeking pleasure in his presence alone, but I want that.  For the past little while I have just wanted somebody to take initiative with me.  I have struggled my whole life feeling like I am always the one to take initiative in different relationships.  I just feel like for once I want somebody to come to me and say “Hey, I want to be your friend.  I want to spend time with you and I am excited about it.  When there is a crowd of people I want to look for you so I can be by you.” And when this doesn’t happen, you begin to believe the lie that it is because you aren’t worthy of being that kind of person for anyone.  That you really aren’t interesting or important enough for someone to care about.

As I write this, I imagine this is how many of the children I am surrounded by feel.  They first have been dropped off in an unfamiliar place that they know nothing about nor do they know anybody there.  Living in a children’s home means they are always a part of a big group.  Their caregivers are so busy they have little time to spend individually with the children.  I imagine these kids, too, just want someone to take initiative with them.  To tell them, I choose you.  You are truly special.  I want to sit next to you not because it is the only open seat, but because I want to be with you.  I see past your front you put up and I know you are hurting and I want to listen to you. I want to ask you questions because I think you are interesting and your life is important.  Something really big and difficult has happened in your life.  I want to pray with you.  I want to affirm you and let you know you are not alone.  I might not understand you, but I care about you and I care that you are hurting right now. I am going to do more than just smile at you when I see you, but I am going to make you feel like you are on the top of my priority list.

I say all of this to say that I am coming to the end of myself and I imagine that many of the kids around me feel the same way.  We feel weak and weary and anytime things get the slightest bit serious we either close off or break down.  Sometimes it is easier to just pretend like we don’t care or don’t want to be around others, when that is the exact thing that we actually want. We can’t always identify the root cause of this, but one thing I do know is that we need Jesus.  We need the Holy Spirit to comfort and correct us.  We need the Holy Spirit and God’s Word to protect us from believing these blatant lies by reminding us of the Truth of who it is that God created us to be.  We are tired of/from life and we just need our Father.

My Own Kind of Children's Home

I have been in Monterrey now for almost 2 months!  Those two months were full of groups and groups and more groups. And (surprise surprise, not really by now) tears and tears and more tears from me.  I am sorry for my long absence and more has been going on emotionally and spiritually within me than I can write in one blog post, so I am going to do a series and take you back through my transition here (which is still going on).

This is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote within my first week of being here (June 21, 2013).  My thoughts were inspired by Flor, who, at 3 years old, was dropped off at a children's home just 2 weeks before I arrived here in Monterrey.  I was sitting with her playing and all of a sudden she just broke down into tears.  She was crying out for her Mama and home.  I held her in my lap, hugged her, stroked her hair, and whispered in her ear God's promises for her for almost an hour straight.  From that experience came these thoughts:

"I am of the persuasion that God can use us wherever we are.  That we can be happy anywhere if we choose to be happy.  Our Joy comes from God and from him alone.  My mother would always tell us when we were younger that happiness is a choice.  I agree with this to an extent (and the point that she was trying to make to us.  Shout out to my wise mother!).  There are many times when people look at their situation and choose to be grumpy or negative. Instead of choosing to be positive they get sucked into self-pity.  But when we say that happiness is a choice we imply that sadness is a choice, which is something that I don't totally agree with.  I am not choosing to be sad, nor am I choosing to cry anytime I am in a conversation with someone that goes past "hola, como estas?"  And I don't think that my sadness is a bad thing.  Annoying to me, maybe.  Tiresome? Definitely. But bad? No. It's not a self-pitying kind of sadness where I can't ever allow myself to be happy.  It just a sadness that sometimes (often right now) makes my heart hurt and tears flow.  

I just don't understand why I feel such anguish that just a few minutes ago (and 2 months after leaving Nigeria) I was laying on my bed in the fetal position crying my eyes out.  And, I don't know if I should be working on that, or just letting it run its course.  But how long will it take to run its course?  How long will it be before I can talk to someone without getting red, puffy eyes and a snotty nose (which is not the best look to have when trying to make new friends let me tell you). In thinking about this, God has given me a powerful insight just now.

Sweet, little Flor at a moment where God is gracing her with a break from

the sadness. 

My current process somewhat resembles the process children who get dropped off in children's home are going through.  The Board of Directors (my "parents") decided that it was best for us if I left my home (Nigeria). They took me from the people that I love so dearly and dropped me off in a new place that feels, looks, and sounds nothing like home. I used to live in a small community and now I am just one in a sea of faces.  No matter how much the staff tries to make me feel like I am "at home", I am still missing and desperately want to go back to my real home.  Does it help when people show kindness and love toward me? Yes. Does it help when they take the time to pray with me? Most definitely. Does it erase everything that has happened or the longing for home that I still feel inside? No.  

But maybe, with time, this can feel like a safe place and a place that I can grow and live. Are there still going to be days that just like sweet, little Flor, I am going to cry and cry and scream out that I want my family and my home? Yes [and in fact today, August 9, is one of those days].  Is that ok? Yes.  Are there times that I am going to feel guarded and not want to talk to anyone so I give short replies no matter how many questions people ask me or how sweetly they ask? Yes, most certainly because I don't want to cry all the time and it is exhausting! 

God is giving me a glimpse of the feelings that these children in the homes have and the process they are going through.  We are going through this process together and it is an extremely powerful realization that I am thanking God for."

As God leads me through this transition into my own kind of children's home, He has given me this understanding of why some of the kids in our homes act the way they do.  I feel like I can better understand them because our stories are a lot more similar than they may appear from the outside. The process and transformation that God is doing in us is very similar. I am praying that God will continue to heal my heart and reconcile all parts of me to Him just like I am praying that he will do for the children in the homes we work with and all around the globe.

A change of pace

*This blog was supposed to be published a month ago, but I couldn't get the video to upload.  I decided to try one more time and it worked!
  
   So since my last blog was pretty heavy and since I didn't update my blog for my last few weeks in Nigeria, I thought I would lighten things up a bit and post a video of my students in Nigeria.  Very often I would give the kids a ride from the Ed Center to the church after lessons were done because they would have choir practice.  This is just a glimpse of how much fun those rides were for me and for them.

       Also: I am convinced that almost all Nigerians can sing and harmonize and dance well.  I think it is just in their blood.

Pride and Pity and Compassion and Apologies

Hello all!

So it has been quite some time since I have written on my blog and to be honest it is because I haven't know what exactly I want to say on here.  Part of me still doesn't know so I am just going to start writing and see what comes out. Sound ok?

Some of you know and some of you don't know, but I had to return home to the US.  Some things happened in Nigeria and the Board of Directors decided that the expat staff had to return stateside and that I would not be returning to Nigeria for the remainder of my STINT with the ministry.  Since being home I have had a lot of time to think and process so many different things and God has been so patient and faithful in taking me through this, even though it hasn't been a pretty path all the time.

To say that I am heartbroken is an understatement.  I cried everyday except 3 days for 2 months straight.  I am not angry or questioning God about why this happened.  I am just sad and that is ok.  But like I said, God is so faithful and so good.  I am continually overwhelmed by his love for me. And sometimes I feel like saying that is a way that Christians try and dismiss pain and move on, but I think I am learning how to grieve and rest in God's love for me all at the same time which is a beautiful thing.

Being back has been really awkward for me and I am sure my interactions with those of you I have seen and spent time with probably have felt a little awkward too.  I am sorry for that.  I don't really know how to interact well with people right now.  I think it gets a little bit better each day.  But I do want to share some thoughts that I have had since being back and processing different things.  This is not meant to offend anyone and it is still a thought process in the process of being developed.  I share it simply because I want to be honest and share my ideas.

Me and the kids and teachers at Igmin Kibe on my last day.
Group pictures never turn out very well for everyone...

I miss Africa a lot.  I miss the person that I feel so free to be there.  Something about the culture and place allows me to be this person that feels so alive and free. It awakens this part of me that I don't usually let out. I could be unguarded in so many ways; however, I am also realizing ways that I now have become guarded and prideful back here in the US.

When sharing my experiences  and thoughts I feel like I have to be careful with how I choose to talk about it or what details to share because of two reasons. 1. Everyone knows someone who has worked in the developing nation and so they instantly have this idea in their head of what my time was probably like and I don't think it was anything like what they are thinking but I don't know what to say to make people understand.

The second reason is more important I think. 2. The last thing I ever want to evoke is pity from someone in regards to anyone in Nigeria.  Pity to me is a corrupted form of compassion.  It is compassion that has been tainted by pride and ignorance.  When we pity people we instantly view them only in light of what we believe we have and they need.  In our minds, we instantly are their superiors, whether we intend to be or not.

That is truly the last thing the people I have grown to know and love in Nigeria need or deserve.  When we pity people we only want to help them by doing things for them, by giving things to them.  I believe that pity leads to blind giving, which I think does more harm than good.

Compassion on the other hand is what I believe truly enables us to help others, which looks like us all coming alongside or serving one another (by both doing the serving others and allowing others to serve us).  When we give to others we decide what we think they need and then give it to them.  We have all the ownership.  However, when we come alongside and serve others we first enable them to go through the process of figuring out and deciding themselves what they actually need and then we support them in their own journey of meeting those needs.  When we allow others to serve us and each other in some way it allows them to realize that they to have things to offer that the world needs. I think this last part is a key part of this whole complicated area of "missions" or "volunteering" that we are missing in a big way.

Too often I think we only look at people living in material poverty with pity.  We decided that they live in a shack so they must not be living a good life so we should do something really nice and build them a new house.  I think we have this deep desire as people to remove suffering because we realize that it is not what God originally intended for the world.  In the garden of Eden there was no suffering until sin entered the world.  We understand that joining God in his ministry of reconciliation means alleviating people's suffering, but I think that it is possible our perception of what suffering is and how to alleviate it is a bit skewed.  I also don't have all the answers to this, but I think, in general. our outlook is not always what it should be and I pray that God opens our eyes to what it should be.

I think I want people so badly to understand this, but I realize at the same time it is a process - a process that I myself am still on and still learning so much about.  And this is where I have realized that I am walking on the fence with pride and humility, and too often I free fall into the side I don't want to be on.  It seems like everybody knows somebody who does work in the developing world, or has been on a mission trip to a "third world country", or whose church sends over clothes and toys to kids in Africa, Asia, "name your place that describes 'poor people'", and automatically we are experts and heros and understand all the complexities of poverty alleviation. Short and sweet.  But that is not the case.  When I am talking to people and they mention these things I understand that they are trying to relate and participate in the conversation we are having, but something about these types of comments always make me uncomfortable and prideful and I don't know how to respond to them.  Because if I am being honest, I don't know if I think that sending clothes to Africa is the best thing.  I don't know if going somewhere to do construction work for a week is the best thing. And I feel prideful about those thoughts.  I don't know a lot of things, but I do question a lot of things.

I love that people want to help.  I love seeing people's hearts for service and for taking care of the oppressed.  I am just struggling through finding out the best way that we do that as the body of Christ. That is why these types of conversations are so hard for me, because it is not a short and sweet conversation.  It is messy and it is offensive and it is humbling and it is joyful and it is challenging and it is centered around Christ because the answer to the world's suffering will always be Jesus.  I just don't know what that practically looks like.

So, I want to apologize if since my being back we have interacted and you left feeling like I was being stand-offish or condescending or awkward or reserved or boring.  I just don't know what I think about a lot of things and if we were going to truly enter into a conversation about my time in Nigeria it would be anything but short and sweet and sometimes I feel like that is all that people interested in having and all that I have the energy for.  But I do want you to know that I care about you and I appreciate you and someday if you ask me to we can have this messy conversation and I will look forward to it.

God's Protection

I have no doubt that God has big plans for the lives of each of my students. I want to share a story with you all of something that happened a few weeks ago. At our staff meeting that morning I decided to pray for God to protect and keep all of my students and teachers that day. This is a pretty routine prayer for me and I thought fairly little of it as I was saying the words. Later that day I got a phone call from one of the teachers asking me about something and then right before we hung up he asked me if I had heard about the accident. Immediately my heart dropped. I told him I hadn’t and he proceeded to tell me the events that had happened that day.
Our children walk about 30-40 minutes from their homes to school each day. On this day our students were going home instead of coming to the Ed Center so they were walking with some of their friends. Their friends decided to ask a man for a ride home and 5 of my students also got in the car. They told the man to drop them at a certain point on the road. As the man approached that place he showed no indication that he was going to slow down, so the kids started saying, “stop here stop here!” The man’s response was, “tell me a story.” Weird response right? I still have no idea what that is suppose to mean… So, the man continues driving past where he was supposed to drop them. One of my students started getting worried the man had bad intentions so she opened the door and JUMPED out of the car! Can you imagine? The car was probably going about 40 mph and she just jumped out of it! Talk about bravery! After she jumped out, the man stopped, the other kids got out of the car, and the man just drove away – not even checking to see the condition of the girl. Later that day, there were reports on the radio that some kids in town had been abducted. I cannot say for sure that it could have been my kids that the reporter was talking about, but I am so glad that I never have to find out!
Praise the Lord that the girl who jumped out of the car didn’t even have one broken bone! She was pretty beat up. In fact, when I went to visit her the next day I hardly recognized her. She had some pretty deep wounds on her face and arms, but no concussion and not a single broken bone. After a week she was laughing and going about like normal.
Like I said before, there is no way of knowing for sure what would have happened to those children, but I am giving all the credit and glory to the Lord for protecting them that day. I am so thankful that my students have the Holy Spirit and listen to its leading. I am so thankful that we serve a God who protects and cares for us. That we have a God who hears and answers our prayers.
This is only one example of a “close call” I have had with my students. I have had others that almost got hit by a car or have fallen ill. But God continues to protect His children and that is why I have no doubt in my mind that God is going to use the lives of these children in very big ways to spread his kingdom in their community, their country and the world. I feel so honored to be a small part of their lives.

Some of the wonderful future leaders I get to work with!

Taking back the Crazy

       As I clumsily walked along the narrow, overgrown path with one student on each hand and another's arms wrapped around my waist, the power of what we were about to do all of a sudden hit me.  KYD has been struggling and struggling with their dry season farming.  They have become so discouraged, almost to the point of wanting to give up on the project.  Currently they are suffering attacks from some nasty crickets that are destroying the tomato plants. So, I decided to do the only thing that I, not being a farmer, knew how to do.  I decided to take my students to pray for the land. No big deal right? We were just going to walk down at the beginning of class, say a few prayers for the land and then continue on with our day.  It didn't seem that big of a deal to me when I first thought of the idea.  To be honest, I was thinking more about how it would be a good opportunity for my younger students to see what they can be a part of once they get older. I wasn't really thinking about the effects of our prayers.
But like I said, the excitement and craziness of what we were doing washed over me once we were actually walking to the farm. We were walking to a seemingly cursed farmland to pray that God would make that land fertile.  We didn't have any pesticides to spray or any coverings to protect the plants.  All we had were our voices and our faith in God, the Creator and Sustainer of all things.  Our faith that God can actually do the seemingly impossible and make that land produce a bountiful crop.  As I stood watching my students, ages 7-12, squat down, burry their faces in their hands, and ask God that the blood of Jesus would come and cover that land and that he would grow a great crop there, I caught a glimpse of the kingdom of God that is spreading here.  We are all growing in our trust that God can provide all that we need and that He is the One who can make a desolate land come to life. That is a beautiful picture of the kingdom of God here on Earth.
Just the other day, the KYD planted a new batch of tomato plants.  Who knows what will happen, but I know that we are having faith that God will bless that land and that the scene will be like Psalm 126, which says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."  We serve a big God who loves and promises us anything we ask in Jesus' name.  We know our God is Jehovah Jireh, the Provider, and has always been and will always be faithful to His Word.

        Part of me was feeling like I had lost some of my crazy.  That part of me that is so in tune with the Holy Spirit that I can hear it telling me to do things that seem strange, things that are in line with the Kingdom of God.  I have missed it, but I don't know if it was ever really gone, or if I was choosing not to acknowledge it.  I wasn't looking at any of my situations as something spiritual, it just became life -- mundane.  But we when ask God to give us eyes to see and ears to hear, we are opened up to a whole world that has always been there, we just choose not to see it.  There is so much more going on in the world than what we can see with our plain, physical eyes. So, in asking God to give me eyes to see, He allowed me to see going and praying for a farm in a new light, in the light of His kingdom and it is such a sweet way to see life.  I pray I will always have eyes to see the world in light of his kingdom!