My Own Kind of Children's Home Part 2

So, I suck at keeping my blog updated.  My last entry (which I posted about a month ago) started this “mini-series” if you will, about my transition here in Monterrey and how it is helping me better understand the people and the children that God has placed around me, as well as understanding myself better. I am continuing that series now:

Excerpt from my journal on June 26, 2013 (11 days after arriving in Monterrey)

           

I am a complete mess and I feel alone.  I need Jesus. I need his presence and I need his perspective. I need to know when I am being selfish, stubborn, and prideful in my thinking and my actions. I need to know that he is with me.

 I feel alone in my brokenness and what’s worse is I know it is my fault.  I have been waiting around for staff to reach out to me and recognize my pain and my needs and I have spent basically zero time in God’s Word, presence, or in prayer.  I used to be so content with just God.  What happened?  I'll tell you what happened...  I stopped living from the perspective of the kingdom in many ways and I stopped guarding my time with the Lord.  I stopped seeking pleasure in his presence alone, but I want that.  For the past little while I have just wanted somebody to take initiative with me.  I have struggled my whole life feeling like I am always the one to take initiative in different relationships.  I just feel like for once I want somebody to come to me and say “Hey, I want to be your friend.  I want to spend time with you and I am excited about it.  When there is a crowd of people I want to look for you so I can be by you.” And when this doesn’t happen, you begin to believe the lie that it is because you aren’t worthy of being that kind of person for anyone.  That you really aren’t interesting or important enough for someone to care about.

As I write this, I imagine this is how many of the children I am surrounded by feel.  They first have been dropped off in an unfamiliar place that they know nothing about nor do they know anybody there.  Living in a children’s home means they are always a part of a big group.  Their caregivers are so busy they have little time to spend individually with the children.  I imagine these kids, too, just want someone to take initiative with them.  To tell them, I choose you.  You are truly special.  I want to sit next to you not because it is the only open seat, but because I want to be with you.  I see past your front you put up and I know you are hurting and I want to listen to you. I want to ask you questions because I think you are interesting and your life is important.  Something really big and difficult has happened in your life.  I want to pray with you.  I want to affirm you and let you know you are not alone.  I might not understand you, but I care about you and I care that you are hurting right now. I am going to do more than just smile at you when I see you, but I am going to make you feel like you are on the top of my priority list.

I say all of this to say that I am coming to the end of myself and I imagine that many of the kids around me feel the same way.  We feel weak and weary and anytime things get the slightest bit serious we either close off or break down.  Sometimes it is easier to just pretend like we don’t care or don’t want to be around others, when that is the exact thing that we actually want. We can’t always identify the root cause of this, but one thing I do know is that we need Jesus.  We need the Holy Spirit to comfort and correct us.  We need the Holy Spirit and God’s Word to protect us from believing these blatant lies by reminding us of the Truth of who it is that God created us to be.  We are tired of/from life and we just need our Father.