Excerpt from journal July 17, 2013
Almost every night at worship I cry. Whether it be a small
puddle in the corner of my eye or a constant river flowing down my cheeks,
tears seem to always be present. I have
been thinking and thinking and trying to figure out what is at the root of
these tears.
Today
during worship I realized that this time of worship is the only time that I
truly have to be vulnerable, with myself and with God. During the day I can do things without truly
engaging my heart. I don’t have a Bible
study or small group, so no need to be vulnerable there. But worship, worship
has never been a time that I can fake it.
I can’t sing words so powerful and be in God’s presence that way while
keeping my heart and spirit disengaged.
But still, why all the never-ending tears? Why does my heart physically feel tense with
sharp pains like a battle is going on inside of it? Because there is a battle
going on in there, and I think there has been a war waging for quite some time
now.
I know
there are parts of my heart that I have felt growing cold – like they are being
turned to stone. God’s Word says that
Jesus is the living hope that is alive in me.
Satan is waging a war against my heart.
The world with its cynicism and reason are trying to bury God
alive. I had this vision tonight of my
heart being covered with stone, but Jesus’ light was still making it glow from
the inside so that is appeared as either molten lava that could be shaped, or a
volcano that was getting ready to erupt.
There was still a hole at the top where the stone hasn’t completely
covered it yet, but the glow is getting dimmer and dimmer as more and more
layers get added to the stone covering.
There are two ends to this story…
either I give up the fight for hope, let go of that last bit, and let the stone
cover my heart completely. Or we keep fighting; really I just stop and allow
Jesus to win the battle, and in God’s power he busts every last particle of stone
off my heart and shine brighter than ever.
Every part of my soul wants the
second ending. Through the presence of
the Holy Spirit in me, I pray that I will live and relentlessly hold a kingdom
perspective of Hope. That I will no
longer be trapped by the world’s cynicism and “reason”. Even when it seems foolish and doesn’t make
any sense in the least I will stand firmly on God’s Sovereignty and on his
Word. For too long I have lived doubting
God’s involvement in every happening of life.
I don’t know how to put everything together that happens in the world,
but I do believe so strongly in God’s ministry of reconciliation that He has
invited us into that I don’t have to understand everything. For a long time this has sounded like a
cop-out of asking tough questions, but I don’t intend to stop asking them, I just don't need all the answers right now. God says that to enter his kingdom we must
become like little children. Even when
kids don’t understand what is going on around them, they will always follow
their parents eventually. They might ask why, they might sit down and kick and scream and ask why again. They might say they aren’t going and even try
to run the other way, but they always end up chasing after their parents or
walking alongside them. That is how I want to be with my Father. I am done with only cynicism and logic. Give me the crazy and the irrational and the
trust.
Anna, I just want back and read your lasts three posts. I can see God's hand in your words as I see a continuum of Him bringing increased clarity and wisdom to you. Tears are a way that our gracious Lord often uses to bring us closer to Him in love and trust. Thankfully, He is there as a light for us, or we would all be encapsulated. His path shines that we may be led toward His eternal glory. I am sorry I won't be able to make a visit to your Splash Mountain. :o) I trust all is well in that realm. We continue to pray for you and keep you in our hearts. Your friend, Patty V
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