An Update in Photos [with words to follow]

Here is an update of my life in photos.  words will come later hopefully :)


  

 

 

My Own Kind of Children's Home Part 4

More from July 17, 2013

Going back to my heart of stone… I had that picture in my head of a cold heart – of my heart being covered with stone.  Tonight during worship (where I was of course crying) another staff member prayed with me and said that as she was praying she saw my heart and saw arrows being shot at it.  Everywhere the arrows landed, my heart was turning to stone.  And that although parts of my heart where being covered with stone the whole thing still wasn’t covered. She prayed that Jesus would come and remove the arrows from my heart and melt the stone away. 

I have not allowed myself to be blown away by God for awhile because I have been so cynical and judgmental toward other Christians.  I have convinced myself that some things are corny and cliché.  I  haven’t allowed God to “Wow” me or taken delight in the little things because “that’s just the way life is… it’s nothing special.”  But I am coming to see that as the lie that it is.  Every little thing is special.  Like the sound of raindrops on the window or a tin roof.  Every hug or smile that I give and get from a child here.  Every cool breeze and every ray of sun that warms my skin.  In an attempt to be “real” and “authentic” I have actually leaned toward doing that in a very pessimistic way that led to cynicism.  But being real means that I am real about everything, and if I am being real, God has blessed me with being an optimist.  I naturally see the world’s bright side.  When bad things happen, I am not always suppressing my feelings or being cliché or insincere by seeing the good in it, because that is simply how I see and experience things naturally.  So I want to start allowing myself to get back to that person that God created me to be.  It is amazing that God gave both me and another staff a similar vision of my heart.  It gives me hope that God is at work within me. Now, if I could just get out of the way and leave him to it…

My Own Kind of Children's Home Part 3

Excerpt from journal July 17, 2013

Almost every night at worship I cry. Whether it be a small puddle in the corner of my eye or a constant river flowing down my cheeks, tears seem to always be present.  I have been thinking and thinking and trying to figure out what is at the root of these tears.

Today during worship I realized that this time of worship is the only time that I truly have to be vulnerable, with myself and with God.  During the day I can do things without truly engaging my heart.  I don’t have a Bible study or small group, so no need to be vulnerable there. But worship, worship has never been a time that I can fake it.  I can’t sing words so powerful and be in God’s presence that way while keeping my heart and spirit disengaged.  But still, why all the never-ending tears?  Why does my heart physically feel tense with sharp pains like a battle is going on inside of it? Because there is a battle going on in there, and I think there has been a war waging for quite some time now.

            

I know there are parts of my heart that I have felt growing cold – like they are being turned to stone.  God’s Word says that Jesus is the living hope that is alive in me.  Satan is waging a war against my heart.  The world with its cynicism and reason are trying to bury God alive.  I had this vision tonight of my heart being covered with stone, but Jesus’ light was still making it glow from the inside so that is appeared as either molten lava that could be shaped, or a volcano that was getting ready to erupt.  There was still a hole at the top where the stone hasn’t completely covered it yet, but the glow is getting dimmer and dimmer as more and more layers get added to the stone covering.

There are two ends to this story… either I give up the fight for hope, let go of that last bit, and let the stone cover my heart completely. Or we keep fighting; really I just stop and allow Jesus to win the battle, and in God’s power he busts every last particle of stone off my heart and shine brighter than ever.

Every part of my soul wants the second ending.  Through the presence of the Holy Spirit in me, I pray that I will live and relentlessly hold a kingdom perspective of Hope.  That I will no longer be trapped by the world’s cynicism and “reason”.  Even when it seems foolish and doesn’t make any sense in the least I will stand firmly on God’s Sovereignty and on his Word.  For too long I have lived doubting God’s involvement in every happening of life.  I don’t know how to put everything together that happens in the world, but I do believe so strongly in God’s ministry of reconciliation that He has invited us into that I don’t have to understand everything.  For a long time this has sounded like a cop-out of asking tough questions, but I don’t intend to stop asking them, I just don't need all the answers right now.  God says that to enter his kingdom we must become like little children.  Even when kids don’t understand what is going on around them, they will always follow their parents eventually.  They might ask why, they might sit down and kick and scream and ask why again.  They might say they aren’t going and even try to run the other way, but they always end up chasing after their parents or walking alongside them. That is how I want to be with my Father.  I am done with only cynicism and logic.  Give me the crazy and the irrational and the trust.

when going out means you get to take a ride on Splash Mountain

TODAY IS THE DAY! Last week the woman working at the Oxxo (Mexican gas station) informed me that the hurricane was going to hit TODAY. In case you haven't heard Hurricane Ingrid (which I have affectionately named Hurricane Oxxo in honor of the lady at the Oxxo) has been making its way toward Mexico.  It is south of Monterrey, but we are definitely feeling the effects here. So we're going to take a break today from talking about the emotional roller coaster I am on and talk about the physical "roller coaster" I get to go on every time I leave my house these days.

I have never lived through a tropical storm/hurricane before (and this one isn't really even that bad) so this is another first I get to remember in my life.  For those of you who also haven't experienced this let

where our street literally turns into a river

me sum it up for you short and sweet: WATER! MUCHO WATER EVERYWHERE AND ALL THE TIME!  Yesterday I don't think it stopped raining even for 1 minute. We have our own new waterfall here at Back2Back named Cascada de Oxxito. Streets have literally turned into rivers (see picture).  All schools were cancelled today in Monterrey. Today I had to run out to do some errands and I realized I was living in a real-life Splash Mountain (Monterrey is located in the Mountains and you can't drive anywhere without creating huge splashes hence my real life splash mountain!) It Is AWESOME!  The best part is to get to where we live you have to go down this little hill and at the bottom there is currently a river flowing through so it literally is our own miniature Splash Mountain! Skip the outrageous Disney prices and come visit me in Monterrey (offer available for a limited time only, well not the visiting part, just the Splash Mountain part)  I have included a marketing video to entice as well :)

the splash

when the man at 7/11 decides that you really need your windows
wash because the torrential downpour outside simply isn't doing
the job... and then you tip him extra of course!

My Own Kind of Children's Home Part 2

So, I suck at keeping my blog updated.  My last entry (which I posted about a month ago) started this “mini-series” if you will, about my transition here in Monterrey and how it is helping me better understand the people and the children that God has placed around me, as well as understanding myself better. I am continuing that series now:

Excerpt from my journal on June 26, 2013 (11 days after arriving in Monterrey)

           

I am a complete mess and I feel alone.  I need Jesus. I need his presence and I need his perspective. I need to know when I am being selfish, stubborn, and prideful in my thinking and my actions. I need to know that he is with me.

 I feel alone in my brokenness and what’s worse is I know it is my fault.  I have been waiting around for staff to reach out to me and recognize my pain and my needs and I have spent basically zero time in God’s Word, presence, or in prayer.  I used to be so content with just God.  What happened?  I'll tell you what happened...  I stopped living from the perspective of the kingdom in many ways and I stopped guarding my time with the Lord.  I stopped seeking pleasure in his presence alone, but I want that.  For the past little while I have just wanted somebody to take initiative with me.  I have struggled my whole life feeling like I am always the one to take initiative in different relationships.  I just feel like for once I want somebody to come to me and say “Hey, I want to be your friend.  I want to spend time with you and I am excited about it.  When there is a crowd of people I want to look for you so I can be by you.” And when this doesn’t happen, you begin to believe the lie that it is because you aren’t worthy of being that kind of person for anyone.  That you really aren’t interesting or important enough for someone to care about.

As I write this, I imagine this is how many of the children I am surrounded by feel.  They first have been dropped off in an unfamiliar place that they know nothing about nor do they know anybody there.  Living in a children’s home means they are always a part of a big group.  Their caregivers are so busy they have little time to spend individually with the children.  I imagine these kids, too, just want someone to take initiative with them.  To tell them, I choose you.  You are truly special.  I want to sit next to you not because it is the only open seat, but because I want to be with you.  I see past your front you put up and I know you are hurting and I want to listen to you. I want to ask you questions because I think you are interesting and your life is important.  Something really big and difficult has happened in your life.  I want to pray with you.  I want to affirm you and let you know you are not alone.  I might not understand you, but I care about you and I care that you are hurting right now. I am going to do more than just smile at you when I see you, but I am going to make you feel like you are on the top of my priority list.

I say all of this to say that I am coming to the end of myself and I imagine that many of the kids around me feel the same way.  We feel weak and weary and anytime things get the slightest bit serious we either close off or break down.  Sometimes it is easier to just pretend like we don’t care or don’t want to be around others, when that is the exact thing that we actually want. We can’t always identify the root cause of this, but one thing I do know is that we need Jesus.  We need the Holy Spirit to comfort and correct us.  We need the Holy Spirit and God’s Word to protect us from believing these blatant lies by reminding us of the Truth of who it is that God created us to be.  We are tired of/from life and we just need our Father.

My Own Kind of Children's Home

I have been in Monterrey now for almost 2 months!  Those two months were full of groups and groups and more groups. And (surprise surprise, not really by now) tears and tears and more tears from me.  I am sorry for my long absence and more has been going on emotionally and spiritually within me than I can write in one blog post, so I am going to do a series and take you back through my transition here (which is still going on).

This is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote within my first week of being here (June 21, 2013).  My thoughts were inspired by Flor, who, at 3 years old, was dropped off at a children's home just 2 weeks before I arrived here in Monterrey.  I was sitting with her playing and all of a sudden she just broke down into tears.  She was crying out for her Mama and home.  I held her in my lap, hugged her, stroked her hair, and whispered in her ear God's promises for her for almost an hour straight.  From that experience came these thoughts:

"I am of the persuasion that God can use us wherever we are.  That we can be happy anywhere if we choose to be happy.  Our Joy comes from God and from him alone.  My mother would always tell us when we were younger that happiness is a choice.  I agree with this to an extent (and the point that she was trying to make to us.  Shout out to my wise mother!).  There are many times when people look at their situation and choose to be grumpy or negative. Instead of choosing to be positive they get sucked into self-pity.  But when we say that happiness is a choice we imply that sadness is a choice, which is something that I don't totally agree with.  I am not choosing to be sad, nor am I choosing to cry anytime I am in a conversation with someone that goes past "hola, como estas?"  And I don't think that my sadness is a bad thing.  Annoying to me, maybe.  Tiresome? Definitely. But bad? No. It's not a self-pitying kind of sadness where I can't ever allow myself to be happy.  It just a sadness that sometimes (often right now) makes my heart hurt and tears flow.  

I just don't understand why I feel such anguish that just a few minutes ago (and 2 months after leaving Nigeria) I was laying on my bed in the fetal position crying my eyes out.  And, I don't know if I should be working on that, or just letting it run its course.  But how long will it take to run its course?  How long will it be before I can talk to someone without getting red, puffy eyes and a snotty nose (which is not the best look to have when trying to make new friends let me tell you). In thinking about this, God has given me a powerful insight just now.

Sweet, little Flor at a moment where God is gracing her with a break from

the sadness. 

My current process somewhat resembles the process children who get dropped off in children's home are going through.  The Board of Directors (my "parents") decided that it was best for us if I left my home (Nigeria). They took me from the people that I love so dearly and dropped me off in a new place that feels, looks, and sounds nothing like home. I used to live in a small community and now I am just one in a sea of faces.  No matter how much the staff tries to make me feel like I am "at home", I am still missing and desperately want to go back to my real home.  Does it help when people show kindness and love toward me? Yes. Does it help when they take the time to pray with me? Most definitely. Does it erase everything that has happened or the longing for home that I still feel inside? No.  

But maybe, with time, this can feel like a safe place and a place that I can grow and live. Are there still going to be days that just like sweet, little Flor, I am going to cry and cry and scream out that I want my family and my home? Yes [and in fact today, August 9, is one of those days].  Is that ok? Yes.  Are there times that I am going to feel guarded and not want to talk to anyone so I give short replies no matter how many questions people ask me or how sweetly they ask? Yes, most certainly because I don't want to cry all the time and it is exhausting! 

God is giving me a glimpse of the feelings that these children in the homes have and the process they are going through.  We are going through this process together and it is an extremely powerful realization that I am thanking God for."

As God leads me through this transition into my own kind of children's home, He has given me this understanding of why some of the kids in our homes act the way they do.  I feel like I can better understand them because our stories are a lot more similar than they may appear from the outside. The process and transformation that God is doing in us is very similar. I am praying that God will continue to heal my heart and reconcile all parts of me to Him just like I am praying that he will do for the children in the homes we work with and all around the globe.

A change of pace

*This blog was supposed to be published a month ago, but I couldn't get the video to upload.  I decided to try one more time and it worked!
  
   So since my last blog was pretty heavy and since I didn't update my blog for my last few weeks in Nigeria, I thought I would lighten things up a bit and post a video of my students in Nigeria.  Very often I would give the kids a ride from the Ed Center to the church after lessons were done because they would have choir practice.  This is just a glimpse of how much fun those rides were for me and for them.

       Also: I am convinced that almost all Nigerians can sing and harmonize and dance well.  I think it is just in their blood.